Several times this year, I have sat down and started to write a blog, but found myself completely lost for words. At this point, I realise that may be down to not really being able to organise my thoughts properly. Over the last year, there have been a lot of changes, and I've found myself in situations that far exceeded my comfort zone. I try to convince myself every day that life is a case of mind over matter, that difficult situations don't faze me. I try to be strong and independent and to just take life for what it is; the problem with this, is that being strong is exhausting. So this is a post, that does not hide that I have felt weak, that I have secretly cried for hours, and am finally being honest with myself.
This time last year, I was preparing to take part in a charity fundraiser for Alzheimer's Society in memory of my lovely Grandad, this alone is something that has never left me, and I don't think it ever will. To lose such an iconic member of the family completely shattered me and thinking about it brings me to tears. In his memory, I vowed that I would finally make a start on following my dream of helping others and so I started college studying the Access to HE course. I did not know, that this would be one of the most difficult things I would ever put myself through. The intensity of the course, the fear of failure and the anxiety of having to make a whole bunch of new friends at the age of 26 completely threw me. I struggled to dedicate time to my coursework, and found it immensely hard forming bonds with my classmates. I thought I had found one person I could connect with, but as always, my ability to tolerate rudeness lacked somewhat and I found myself facing this journey alone. This was until I was thrust into a partnership with a person I never thought I would get on with, and to my surprise I realised that that was one of the best things that could have happened because I no longer felt alone. I was honest, I told her about my insecurities, and she helped me to see that I was worrying over nothing. She didn't mind when I sat by her for the rest of the year, we helped each other with assignments and she showed me the compassion that I needed. I will always be grateful for this beautiful, strong woman that had come into my life, we dragged each other through the end of the course and are now both heading off to bigger and better things!
In the middle of my course, I decided that I wanted to start earning money so I got myself a part time job. I wanted to be able to provide for my daughter, to feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that I could give her the kind of life that I wanted to, but this was not an easy feat. I had to rely on my mom to babysit as I couldn't afford to pay for extra days at nursery and this put a strain on our relationship that I'm really not comfortable with. To try and ease the situation, I had to compromise with my Managers and with their understanding, was able to come to a reasonable conclusion. I know that in most lines of work, I would not have been treated with the same level of empathy and I'm extremely lucky. On the topic of work, I realise that I put one manager in an awkward situation when life got on top of me and I spent 20 minutes crying my eyes out, unable to talk without sounding like a quivering mess. For this, I apologise..although it is rather funny now.
Without divulging too much information that isn't mine to share, one of the other huge dilemmas that has hit me right where it hurts this year is to do with my daughters father. He has been ill for quite some time now, and though we have not had a smooth relationship, it has always lay heavy on my heart. During the past 6 months alone, he has been extremely ill, with a few hospitalisations and also the fear that we were losing him at one point. This hasn't been easy for anyone, his family and my family and I know that I have hurt people because of this. My own relationship suffered immensely, because the way that I felt was not comprehendible, and I think to be honest, that's okay. Its a difficult situation and I'm not sure, as a person on the outside looking in, if I would be able to understand it all either. The illness has put a lot of pressure on me to resolve our issues for my daughters sake and I find my thoughts contradicting themselves daily.
As mentioned above, the relationship that I was in during the last year suffered greatly, and though I am not prepared to disclose exactly what happened, for both of our sakes, it saddens me to say that things recently came to an end.
I cant help but think that I have changed a lot, my focus and goals have changed but my priority always has and always will be my daughter, and I have to be strong in order to give her a good and stable life. I wanted to write this blog so that I can start the next 12 months with a clear and open mind as I head into University and begin to build myself back up to the confident, happy person that I know I am.
Monday, 21 August 2017
Thursday, 30 March 2017
Spring Update
Hello All..
I know that my blog following is very low, but as I've not updated in a while, I thought I would share with you lovely people what's been going on.
Its been over three years now since I wrote my poem 'The Care Worker' and just over one year since I wrote my first blog telling you all the story behind the poem.
Every month I check instagram to see if it is still being shared, and to my amazement it is! I've got no idea how many times or where in the world its been shared but I am just so overwhelmed that my poem reached out to so many people! Please..KEEP SHARING!
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| Incredible!!! |
So, as some of you may know, I've spent the last six months attending college, studying Access to HE and I am currently holding a conditional offer for the Integrated Masters in Adult Nursing..which I am SUPER proud of! Only two months left at college and all being well, I'll have a nice relaxing summer (wishful thinking with a 2 year old cling-on) before starting University in September. I am so excited, nervous, terrified (and possibly every other emotion that exists) to begin my journey as a student nurse.
I'm keeping this one short and sweet, but thought I'd share with you all a poem that I had published a good few years ago now.
Unbroken Silence
by Zoe Porter
Published in 2004 by United Press Ltd
Gracefully she watches
How the stars may prance,
But for me its a reminder
Of when we used to dance.
It seems now all she does
Is occupy the space,
Upon the window ledge
With the glass pressed to her face.
And as I sit and watch her,
It makes my mind go wild;
Is this how it should be
Between a mother and a child?
How the stars may prance,
But for me its a reminder
Of when we used to dance.
It seems now all she does
Is occupy the space,
Upon the window ledge
With the glass pressed to her face.
And as I sit and watch her,
It makes my mind go wild;
Is this how it should be
Between a mother and a child?
Friday, 7 October 2016
Working In Care - An Important Message To Remember
The past week or two a few things have come to my attention that don't sit well with me. The first was a picture on Instagram insisting that in order to work in health you had to normalise death...what!?
The second was a post from a student nurse that has gone viral this week..she explained how choosing to be a nurse was the worst decision of her life. (Siobhan Fenton, 2016). She goes on to say that she broke down crying in front of her young daughter and how bus drivers are on more money, for an awful lot less training.
This may be true..BUT..a bus driver does not go to work each day, knowing that they are making a fundamental difference to someones life. If money is your only motivation for working in health, then you may as well go and be a bus driver.
I am not a student nurse yet, but I have worked in care for 4+ years, and people that know me have seen the effect that it has had on me at one point or another..I honestly wouldn't recommend anyone undertaking a nursing degree without first gaining some experience in care.
But this is the important thing to remember..
If you go home from your job in a care home, community, hospital, hospice, doctors etc and you cry..it is because you CARE! Do not ever think that you are weak for having a good heart! Do not ever think that seeing someone die needs to become normal to you..do not desensitise yourself to that. You are human. It is in your nature to love and to feel empathy. Your children will see that their mommy and daddy have an important job, they look after people who cannot look after themselves. They hold peoples hands as they take their last breath and they hold peoples whole worlds when they welcome a new life. What you do today is important. The compassion that you show and the work that you carry out, day in, day out is appreciated.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Don't ever forget that. You are special, you are needed and you are magnificent.
Reference:
Siobhan Fenton. (2016). Student nurse reveals 'soul destroying' realities of career in open letter. [online] The Independent. Available at: <http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/student-nurse-reveals-soul-destroying-realities-of-her-career-in-open-letter-a7344516.html?cmpid=facebook-post>.
The second was a post from a student nurse that has gone viral this week..she explained how choosing to be a nurse was the worst decision of her life. (Siobhan Fenton, 2016). She goes on to say that she broke down crying in front of her young daughter and how bus drivers are on more money, for an awful lot less training.
This may be true..BUT..a bus driver does not go to work each day, knowing that they are making a fundamental difference to someones life. If money is your only motivation for working in health, then you may as well go and be a bus driver.
I am not a student nurse yet, but I have worked in care for 4+ years, and people that know me have seen the effect that it has had on me at one point or another..I honestly wouldn't recommend anyone undertaking a nursing degree without first gaining some experience in care.
But this is the important thing to remember..
If you go home from your job in a care home, community, hospital, hospice, doctors etc and you cry..it is because you CARE! Do not ever think that you are weak for having a good heart! Do not ever think that seeing someone die needs to become normal to you..do not desensitise yourself to that. You are human. It is in your nature to love and to feel empathy. Your children will see that their mommy and daddy have an important job, they look after people who cannot look after themselves. They hold peoples hands as they take their last breath and they hold peoples whole worlds when they welcome a new life. What you do today is important. The compassion that you show and the work that you carry out, day in, day out is appreciated.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Don't ever forget that. You are special, you are needed and you are magnificent.
Reference:
Siobhan Fenton. (2016). Student nurse reveals 'soul destroying' realities of career in open letter. [online] The Independent. Available at: <http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/student-nurse-reveals-soul-destroying-realities-of-her-career-in-open-letter-a7344516.html?cmpid=facebook-post>.
Thursday, 3 March 2016
The making of The Care Worker - a tribute
In 2012 I found myself at a crossroad in my life. I had just left a job in retail and wasn't quite sure what to do. A friend of mine suggested care work. I thought he was crazy. Never the less, I thought 'what have I got to lose?' and I applied as a domiciliary care worker with a company called C&S Care Services Ltd. I attended an intense one week training programme and I was hooked! I haven't looked back since.
Sure, there have been times when I have doubted myself and questioned why on earth anyone would want to do this as a job. One of those times came not too long after I had moved into residential care. I had been on an evening shift, it was all going swimmingly. One of our long term residents, who had fairly high needs and at this point was unable to walk or talk, surprised us all. Not long after tea, she stood up out of her wheelchair, and she asked me if she could go home with me that night. Amazing! Miracles do happen after all. From what I can recall, she asked all of the carers similar things that evening. The rest of the shift ran smoothly, a rare occurrence in a care home as I'm sure many of you know.
9pm rolled around and it was time to start our routine bed checks. Myself and one other member of staff started and then suddenly, I heard the scream of my co-worker down the corridor. My heart was in my mouth. The emergency buzzers were ringing in my ears. I ran down the corridor, preparing myself for what I was about to face. When you're in a situation like that, your brain and body go into autopilot, you don't think, you just DO. We worked tirelessly on our beloved resident until the paramedics arrived but it was too late.
After the paramedics left, I found myself sat in the staff room, with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face wondering if there was anything more we could have done. I felt in my heart that she knew she was going to die and that was why she had asked if she could go home. I was devastated, we all were.
Myself and the member of staff that I had worked with that night, had also been involved a few months earlier with the resuscitation of another resident. I didn't know how to cope then, and I didn't know how to cope now. I seriously questioned if this was for me.
It took a few days before I could think clearly, you don't leave those kinds of images at the door when you go home, they stay with you. What you saw, how you felt, it doesn't leave you..ever.
So I was sitting at home one evening, trying to think how I was going to get past this, and then it came to me, just all of a sudden, I needed to get my feelings down on paper.
And thus came the poem 'The Care Worker'. I wrote this for all of my colleagues, my friends and my family, because that is what they had become. A part of my life that I loved and cared for like the family I had grown up with.
The Care Worker
I wake them up, I get them dressed,
I brush their hair so they look their best.
I make their bed and wash their clothes,
The little things that no-one knows.
I hold their hand when they are scared,
I talk to them when no-ones there.
I give them a friend when they are alone,
I treat them like family, like one of my own.
And when its time to save a life,
I keep my heart strong, and hold my head high.
I wait 'til its over, when everything's done,
When the house has gone quiet, the emptiness comes.
So please don't' judge me, when you think I don't care,
I look after your family, when you are not there.
Written 19th December 2013
Sure, there have been times when I have doubted myself and questioned why on earth anyone would want to do this as a job. One of those times came not too long after I had moved into residential care. I had been on an evening shift, it was all going swimmingly. One of our long term residents, who had fairly high needs and at this point was unable to walk or talk, surprised us all. Not long after tea, she stood up out of her wheelchair, and she asked me if she could go home with me that night. Amazing! Miracles do happen after all. From what I can recall, she asked all of the carers similar things that evening. The rest of the shift ran smoothly, a rare occurrence in a care home as I'm sure many of you know.
9pm rolled around and it was time to start our routine bed checks. Myself and one other member of staff started and then suddenly, I heard the scream of my co-worker down the corridor. My heart was in my mouth. The emergency buzzers were ringing in my ears. I ran down the corridor, preparing myself for what I was about to face. When you're in a situation like that, your brain and body go into autopilot, you don't think, you just DO. We worked tirelessly on our beloved resident until the paramedics arrived but it was too late.
After the paramedics left, I found myself sat in the staff room, with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face wondering if there was anything more we could have done. I felt in my heart that she knew she was going to die and that was why she had asked if she could go home. I was devastated, we all were.
Myself and the member of staff that I had worked with that night, had also been involved a few months earlier with the resuscitation of another resident. I didn't know how to cope then, and I didn't know how to cope now. I seriously questioned if this was for me.
It took a few days before I could think clearly, you don't leave those kinds of images at the door when you go home, they stay with you. What you saw, how you felt, it doesn't leave you..ever.
So I was sitting at home one evening, trying to think how I was going to get past this, and then it came to me, just all of a sudden, I needed to get my feelings down on paper.
And thus came the poem 'The Care Worker'. I wrote this for all of my colleagues, my friends and my family, because that is what they had become. A part of my life that I loved and cared for like the family I had grown up with.
The Care Worker
I wake them up, I get them dressed,
I brush their hair so they look their best.
I make their bed and wash their clothes,
The little things that no-one knows.
I hold their hand when they are scared,
I talk to them when no-ones there.
I give them a friend when they are alone,
I treat them like family, like one of my own.
And when its time to save a life,
I keep my heart strong, and hold my head high.
I wait 'til its over, when everything's done,
When the house has gone quiet, the emptiness comes.
So please don't' judge me, when you think I don't care,
I look after your family, when you are not there.
Written 19th December 2013
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