Several times this year, I have sat down and started to write a blog, but found myself completely lost for words. At this point, I realise that may be down to not really being able to organise my thoughts properly. Over the last year, there have been a lot of changes, and I've found myself in situations that far exceeded my comfort zone. I try to convince myself every day that life is a case of mind over matter, that difficult situations don't faze me. I try to be strong and independent and to just take life for what it is; the problem with this, is that being strong is exhausting. So this is a post, that does not hide that I have felt weak, that I have secretly cried for hours, and am finally being honest with myself.
This time last year, I was preparing to take part in a charity fundraiser for Alzheimer's Society in memory of my lovely Grandad, this alone is something that has never left me, and I don't think it ever will. To lose such an iconic member of the family completely shattered me and thinking about it brings me to tears. In his memory, I vowed that I would finally make a start on following my dream of helping others and so I started college studying the Access to HE course. I did not know, that this would be one of the most difficult things I would ever put myself through. The intensity of the course, the fear of failure and the anxiety of having to make a whole bunch of new friends at the age of 26 completely threw me. I struggled to dedicate time to my coursework, and found it immensely hard forming bonds with my classmates. I thought I had found one person I could connect with, but as always, my ability to tolerate rudeness lacked somewhat and I found myself facing this journey alone. This was until I was thrust into a partnership with a person I never thought I would get on with, and to my surprise I realised that that was one of the best things that could have happened because I no longer felt alone. I was honest, I told her about my insecurities, and she helped me to see that I was worrying over nothing. She didn't mind when I sat by her for the rest of the year, we helped each other with assignments and she showed me the compassion that I needed. I will always be grateful for this beautiful, strong woman that had come into my life, we dragged each other through the end of the course and are now both heading off to bigger and better things!
In the middle of my course, I decided that I wanted to start earning money so I got myself a part time job. I wanted to be able to provide for my daughter, to feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that I could give her the kind of life that I wanted to, but this was not an easy feat. I had to rely on my mom to babysit as I couldn't afford to pay for extra days at nursery and this put a strain on our relationship that I'm really not comfortable with. To try and ease the situation, I had to compromise with my Managers and with their understanding, was able to come to a reasonable conclusion. I know that in most lines of work, I would not have been treated with the same level of empathy and I'm extremely lucky. On the topic of work, I realise that I put one manager in an awkward situation when life got on top of me and I spent 20 minutes crying my eyes out, unable to talk without sounding like a quivering mess. For this, I apologise..although it is rather funny now.
Without divulging too much information that isn't mine to share, one of the other huge dilemmas that has hit me right where it hurts this year is to do with my daughters father. He has been ill for quite some time now, and though we have not had a smooth relationship, it has always lay heavy on my heart. During the past 6 months alone, he has been extremely ill, with a few hospitalisations and also the fear that we were losing him at one point. This hasn't been easy for anyone, his family and my family and I know that I have hurt people because of this. My own relationship suffered immensely, because the way that I felt was not comprehendible, and I think to be honest, that's okay. Its a difficult situation and I'm not sure, as a person on the outside looking in, if I would be able to understand it all either. The illness has put a lot of pressure on me to resolve our issues for my daughters sake and I find my thoughts contradicting themselves daily.
As mentioned above, the relationship that I was in during the last year suffered greatly, and though I am not prepared to disclose exactly what happened, for both of our sakes, it saddens me to say that things recently came to an end.
I cant help but think that I have changed a lot, my focus and goals have changed but my priority always has and always will be my daughter, and I have to be strong in order to give her a good and stable life. I wanted to write this blog so that I can start the next 12 months with a clear and open mind as I head into University and begin to build myself back up to the confident, happy person that I know I am.
